im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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