I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
