would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
