I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
