don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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