On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
