well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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