So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
