I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
