you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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