I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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