I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
