I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
