I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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