She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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