"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
