Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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