Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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