Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
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I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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