If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
