I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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