Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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