Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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