i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
