My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You ate ashes out of my bong
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
