I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
