I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
