Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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