dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
