I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
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just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
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The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.