he shaved USA in his pubs
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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