im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
