happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
