Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
