Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
