the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
