So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
