chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
