Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Randomize
