College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
