He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
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Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
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So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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