i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
