last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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