Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
