man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he puts the penis in happiness.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
