Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
