My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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