i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
