Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
