So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
