I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
