I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
