You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
