Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
