he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
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It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
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WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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