update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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