you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
