i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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