You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
jump out the window naked night went bad
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
