when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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