I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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